4.10.14

 

The Power to Choose – Reflection and Response:

 

What does success look like for you?

A bright blue sky Spring/Summer kinda day where gentle breezes rustle through my hair as I sit leaning against a tree on green soft grass writing/exploring/connecting; creating space for others to become more deeply empowered and connected to their own deep Truth and incredible abilities.

Ok, seriously. A bullet list:

  • Freedom to set at least 75% of my daily work schedule according to my own innate energy and creative clocks
  • Being able to pay all of my bills, save money for future security and goals, and enjoy fun activities both locally and, occasionally, farther from home.
  • Knowing what I do truly makes the world a better place.
  • Ability to choose who I work with and in what formats I work with them.
  • Always, always, ALWAYS being able to feel peace and pride when I describe how I earn my living and invest my time/energy.

 

If you could chose the life you want, describe the life you would choose…

Waking snuggled in the arms of my love; enjoying a soft sleepy smile shared followed by a softer good morning kiss.

Lazing in bed pondering my day ahead, creating a vision for it, renewing my intention to stay centered in Love and Truth.

Praying over my altar (items) … again, centering myself in my intention and in Love and Truth.

Coffee, Facebook connecting, morning skylight in my window, kitten mewing, freshly washed hair and clean, comfy clothes.

Reviewing the day’s outline and discerning my next steps: answering a client email? tackling a bit of paperwork? prepping the evening’s dinner? tidying up my workspace?

Writing. Solid. Honoring my developing craft by giving it my undivided attention.

A break. A breathing space.

Movement: hooping? ‘exercise’? gardening? walking?

Writing. Solid. Honoring my calling to connect and support, to share and instruct, to be brave and honest.

Lunch. No electronic distractions. Just sitting and focusing mindfully on enjoying the blessing of a meal savored.

A client connection. One on one. Two Spirits reaching across the divide to explore as one seeks growth, a deepened sense of the Sacred in life and the other seeks to release contracting fears of being ‘not enough’ for this work she is called to more fully engage in and boldly proclaim.

A break. A breathing space.

Welcoming home my son and my love; reconnecting with them separately and together after a day spent apart.

A welcome home kiss. A story about someone’s day. A laugh (or a somber share). Reconnecting.

Dinner. A game played? Conversations that meander and explore, provoke and invite thought, build and honor Love? A showed watched together? A evening spent on separate pursuits with occasional moments of connection while two fiercely in love and fiercely independent Spirits seek their own outlets?

Falling asleep snuggled in the arms of my love; enjoying a soft sleepy smile shared followed by a softer good night kiss.

 

What are the most important things you want to make happen in your life and career?

  • Peace
  • Safety
  • Freedom
  • Support
  • Connections
  • Growth
  • Empowerment

 

What is the single greatest obstacle that is preventing you from accomplishing your goals?

My fear of being ‘not enough’, of embarrassment if I fail, of being a ‘one-hit-wonder’…

 

3.26.14

A Few of My Favorite Things about today:

  • Waking up to a sweet kiss goodbye when D left for work
  • Visiting briefly w/ a new friend while at work
  • My first Epsom salt bath
  • NOT taking the crabbiness of a 14yr old I love personally
  • Taco Salad for dinner two nights in a row

 

A Few of My Not-So-Favorite Things about today:

  • New tires are expensive
  • Filing bankruptcy is expensive
  • The crabbiness of a 14yr old I love

Tomorrow…

Who knows?

Goodnight y’all…

3.25.14

I cleared out one of the long forgotten flower beds here this past weekend; planted four Columbine plants and seeds (Foxglove, Zinnia’s & an Asylum type white flower) and some vines I cut off the rose bush already there. Could be lovely in a few months.

Hoping it is…

Was good to get my hands in the dirt (Earth energy) and feel the sun shining down on me.

Listened to the new Beck cd on repeat the entire three days of work. I’m fairly sure I’m in love with this album. Stunning. Mesmerizing. Healing (also overwhelming at times). I rarely buy albums anymore. I’m glad I bought this one.

Got the tree out front partially cleared too.

My friend Brighid is sending me Columbine flowers that I’ll be planting around this tree. So…

I’m naming the tree Brighid’s Tree…

She’s a favorite Goddess of my mine and this naming makes me happy in a way.

Such as I’m able to feel happy during this leg of my journey.

I’ve begun tracking my food intake preparing to get it fucking under control after having gained 14.6lbs since that night late last September.

I know how to eat for health and enjoyment. All of this emotional/stress eating has to (somehow) end soon. So first I’m attempting to track what I’m eating while not happy with my food.

Unfortunately the mere act of tracking forces most people to ‘see’ what they’re doing to themselves and it turns out I’m not different here: my eating is already getting back on track. Oh well.

I need to focus on the hope that Healing Happens and act as if.

I figure worse case scenario is I’m totally wrong.

That I’m totally fucked and this will only get worse until one day it kills me…

But I can’t live as if that is true and have to hope like hell that its not.

I have to hold on to the hope that Healing Happens.

Goodnight y’all.

3.21.14

I’m growing more and more fascinating, charmed almost, by the duality of my existence.

My calmly chaotic mixture of pain and happiness.

How do they co-exist like this?

I find it odd as fuck.

Surreal.

I doubt my pain, my anxiety, the pull of stepping into the next realm *before my time.

…and…

I doubt my happiness, my moments of passion, the pull to stay, to fight, to trust that Healing Happens.

Surreal.

I’ve decided to fight as best I’m able.

Today I went off and bought gardening tools, plants and seeds.

Why?

Because having my hands in the dirt, weeding, planting, care-taking garden beds has, in past times, been a refuge. A place to lose myself, to forget daily troubles.

In better times its been a moving meditation.

All I know for sure today is that I both do and don’t want to raise this white flag tucked carelessly in my back pocket just yet.

I’m still fighting.

Fighting with dirt under my fingernails.

Goodnight y’all.

3.20.14

Today’s adventure in Healing doesn’t seem to always happen comes from www.HelpGuide.org:

Signs and symptoms of a panic attack

Panic attacks often strike when you’re away from home, but they can happen anywhere and at any time. You may have one while you’re in a store shopping, walking down the street, driving in your car, or sitting on the couch at home.

The signs and symptoms of a panic attack develop abruptly and usually reach their peak within 10 minutes. Most panic attacks end within 20 to 30 minutes, and they rarely last more than an hour.

A full-blown panic attack includes a combination of the following signs and symptoms:

    • Shortness of breath or hyperventilation
    • Heart palpitations or a racing heart
    • Chest pain or discomfort
    • Trembling or shaking
    • Choking feeling
    • Feeling unreal or detached from your surroundings
    • Sweating
    • Nausea or upset stomach
    • Feeling dizzy, light-headed, or faint
    • Numbness or tingling sensations
    • Hot or cold flashes
    • Fear of dying, losing control, or going crazy”

In public, clutching my newly purchased pepper spray and feeling like a total freak…

Yeah, not my best or finest hour…

Tomorrow’s another day!

Hopefully one without something like this!

Goodnight y’all.

3.19.14

I am two people.

Perhaps this is what it’s like for every splintered soul?

Perhaps it’s ok and, instead of seeking to fix and restore myself to wholeness, I can embrace this fractured me that is here and now.

Embrace her.

Love her.

Accept her as a wholly amazing, beautiful, strong, broken, brave and creative being that happens to seemingly exist in more than one dimension at a time, at least for now.

Accepting her as she is is certainly kinder than exploring how to annihilate her.

Accepting her as she is would be honouring my call to stand, above all things, for Love no matter what.

It’s an idea.

I like it.

I like it a lot better than giving up, turning tail and running from everything. I like it a lot better than that.

So, yeah, that’s my plan.

Good wishes, positive energy and check-in’s appreciated much!

3.18.14

Man yesterday was hard.

fuck.

I saw him. Not in real life but in the supposed safety of my own home my haunted chaos tossed his face up in front of my minds eye completely unexpectedly. It was shocking. I began to panic, breath too shallow. Rapidly losing touch with where I was and what was real.

Was he here with me? Was I still there with him? Would I stay trapped in this memory of his face above me forever?
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move.

Fight or Flight is a bitch.

That bitch failed me again. cunt.

Today I woke up feeling like I’d been to hell and… well I’m not back yet so there’s that added piece of how life is fucked today still going on.

I’m exhausted, numb, resolute, planning for two (three?) possible futures at the same time. I figure that’s not as good as only planning for a happy, productive future but a whole shit-ton better than planning only for the worst (would it actually be?).

Today I feel crystal clear that hoping for a future in which I’m not haunted (tormented) is not something I can possibly con myself into believing in. Not even close.

fuck.

I have to acknowledge this is my truth, especially to myself.

Instead today I believe the best I can hope for anymore is a future where I can control the haunting. One in which when my minds eye fills my vision with a monsters face I can shake it off or, at least, calmly stare him in the face and manage to stay present to what is actually real in my here and now.

I must hope and pray for a future where I never, not even once anymore, lose touch with my reality, panic choking my reason and making me cry in fear.

That would be a future I could probably be ok in, likely even one I can still thrive in.

So I hold hope for that.

I think that might be as close to freedom I ever get.

I’ll take it over days like yesterday.

Yesterday was hard.

Really, really hard.

I’m glad it’s over.

fuck.

Maybe tomorrow will be, somehow, magically better…

3.17.14

What if.

What if.

If only.

What if I have been brave enough, strong enough to stay in my grieving process; to see it through instead of letting a man that I know could never amount to anything or even remotely come close to replacing the love I thought was lost forever be my ‘distraction’…. what if…

That was not my finest moment now, was it?

That was pain and grief and the missing of my love driving me to allow him to be my ‘distraction’.

I failed myself there.

What if I had said no instead of retracting into some unnamed fear driven mode of pure survival? What if I had picked myself up and walked out instead of telling myself I was overreacting and being paranoid?

That, also, was not my finest moment now, was it?

Goddamnit I hate that I didn’t do either.

i hate myself for those failures that I can never take back, never correct.

If only I could erase the memory of those few short minutes of my life.

If only I could figure out how to live a full engaged and connected life while numbing myself to this.

If only I cut this out of me, excise the fact of it from my soul. Forever.

If only I could decide to let it all go and embrace a sleepless rest where no memories can intrude, no images of a face unwelcome could ever again haunt my minds eye.

If only it were all a dream, a nightmare really, that I could wake up from and shower from my consciousness.

If only…

3.16.14

Today, the moon being full and my soul calling out to reconnect with traditions I know to serve a deeper purpose and that will only help me continue to Trust that Healing Happens… today I will begin a period of rebuilding…

 

charms ... talismans 3.2014

 

charms.

talismans.

amulets.

 

They’ll be wound around small stones and consecrated for this next full moon’s cycle.

Thank you.

Sanctum (noun) meaning a sacred or holy place and coming from the noun use of the Latin sānctus (from 1570–80).

This fits better, feels more ‘me’ than altar.

Those amulets.talismans.charms. and the stone and sticks they merge with during this next moons cycle will join the bowl I showed you here, a beezwax candle and… who knows? This space is going to be allowed to evolve as Spirit whispers it should NOT based on man-made rules.

Thank you.

Last night was…

Full.

A few minutes spent w/ D before he was off to record w/ a friend for the night. Moments of connecting and laughing w/ E between games played online w/ a friend he’s known for years. A simple dinner.

…Then the reeking smell of charring wood from the above mentioned sticks being in the oven too long to dry. The house quickly filling with an acrid, biting stench that meant opening both front and back doors to the world for fresh air.

Sitting in D’s spot at the table so I could see the front door. Feeling exposed and vulnerable. Reminding myself over and over that that man doesn’t even know where I live now to no avail.

Anxiety mounting. mounting. mounting.

An online friend helping me pull focus onto clearing the stink from the house which helped anxiety not grow into panic.

Exhausting end to a pretty damn good day.

I’m focusing (as best I’m able) on the pretty damn good day part.

Thank you.

Blessings on this Full Moon Day…

Later Y’all.

3.15.14

“Without doubt, they do not reason, but they obey the secret impulse of the eternal Reason, in whom and through whom all live.” Jean Henri Fabri (1823-1915)

It sings to my soul, quickly and in a deep reassuring voice.

Thank you.

At the store seeing pepper spray… thinking

that will help me feel safe

Instead of poo-pooing that thought and telling myself I’m being silly or it would be a waste of $10 or giving into fear or any number of unkind, judgmental responses … Instead of any of those I told myself “ok” and bought it.

Because, yes, healing happens but I doubt it will be linear and if/when my anxiety amps up again and causes me to want to stay home hidden in my bed all day perhaps having this little canister of pepper spray will offer me just that little extra bit of bravery to not cry all the way home from the grocery store or while driving to work. perhaps.

Grateful for gaining more ability to be able (however imperfectly) to be able to meet myself exactly where I am and receive self love wherever that is.

Thank you.

 

altar bowl 3.2014close up bare altar space day before full moon march 2014

 

Images of my newly created altar/sacred space… Tomorrow being the full moon I will consecrate this space… It sits right next to my bed… sigh.
 

 

Thank you.

shelf above altar March 15.2014

 

Shelf just above this sacred space … Treasures from my love, a picture reminding me to be brave and LOVE to help me stay focused and centered in my loving heart.
 
 

Thank you.

 
The small stones and sticks found at the beach yesterday all cleaned and drying in preparation for decorating and the beginning of what will be an entire moons’ cycle of consecration. I’ve got charms and strings and fire for tomorrow as well.

Thank you.

Goodnight y’all.